What It Looks Like

It amazes me how much we assume and judge people and their situations off of what we perceive. I guess that is just the human way. I've learned quickly that it is not a fair assessment of someone's life to conclude things about them without a full picture. God took time to use me and show me through a personal situation what the reality is, only He knows what a person is fully capable of and anything other than that is subject to change.Working at Lowes has shown me just how skewed and limited our perceptions are towards each other. Some customers see us as associates at Lowes, treat us like paupers, and appreciate us as much as slaves were appreciated back in the day. Knowing my associates, I see artists, singers, hair technicians, chefs, survivors, and so many other awesome titles. It is fine, because customers aren't suppose to see all of those things. Let's make this personal.

I love when people form their opinions about me or assume things about me off of a few interactions. They look at me and see this chocolate woman, smart, thick, sometimes quiet, sometimes outlandish who works as a greeter at Lowes. Some contractors assume I'm trying to catch a "baller" type, and that if I'm not single, I'm willing to step out on my man for the right price. *I wish you could see my face right now* They think I'm looking for a meal ticket and that I'll give up my sugar if they can afford to be my daddies. *sigh*

They have no idea that I'm a God-fearing, God-loving Christian who is still being delivered from my serpent tongue. *Guard the doors of my mouth, Jesus* They don't know that I've never had a handout, that I'm giving and loving. They have no idea that I'm passionate about community outreach. That I've been working on becoming a travel agent so that I can offer affordable opportunities for people in my community to see something else besides the hood. They have no idea I'm in school full time and working on THREE part time jobs. They have no idea I create style designs and assist in marketing for companies that are blossoming in the fashion industry. They have no idea I'm a poet, writer, someone who loves music and dance. I work for a non-profit that promotes Autism Awareness and support for families affected by it. They don't know my love of fitness and healthy eating. My entrepreneurial spirit is invisible to them. They don't see the ambition and determination. They have no way of knowing that my age has nothing to do with my maturity level, I'm book and street smart, graduated with a 3.89 GPA at a prestigious private academy, I'm victorious over things that should have killed me and the smile on my face was EARNED not given. 

I don't mention these things to people unless I'm sharing with them how God has been moving in my life and allowed me to get where I am with a clear focus on where I am going. I don't feel the need to boast about what I do, because with all of those great things in tow, they still don't define me. 

ENCOURAGEMENT: Most people will write you off because of what you look like now. That is their ignorance, grace them. Just like God doesn't allow you to look like all the things you have been through, trust that you cannot base your destination on what your current situation looks like. Feelings change, don't base your destiny off of a feeling that with TV, a song, chocolate, or another opinion can change. Trust God to complete the work He started, even if it is behind the scenes. Know that He is faithful to do it, and everything is not always what it looks like. 

New Experiences, Dreaming

Every day almost, I have been dreaming about the house I want to live in and the car I want to drive..basically the life I want to live.

I'm thinking it is time to sacrifice some things to make it happen. I don't want to dream my life away. The how needs to be mapped out and implemented. Lord, guide my steps.

A friend/co-worker and I will hopefully go to the gun range(my first time) and do some practice. I always wanted to get my gun license and motorcycle license but that is something different. LOL

I am trying to do kickboxing classes for cardio this summer and to tone this gelatin like body of mine. I also want to transition into a vegan lifestyle... I want a whole foods card and a membership to BJs!!!

All things in God's time if He approves my plans.

Religious

How do you please an all perfect God? It's in the word and it definitely has nothing to do with all these deeds.. No pride zone.

Could it be that we are supposed to be so in love and relationship with God that we just want to do those things that please Him. Abide in Him. It's a theory I plan to explore...

Am I Ready?

Sitting in my room, browsing Facebook, I've been looking at various statuses and advice on relationships. God hit me with a question.. Are you truly ready? If I presented you with the man you dream of would you be ready to receive him?

BLOWN! I'm so unprepared for him. WOW! It's such a revelation to my heart,mind and spirit. I'm not ready for him and perhaps he isn't ready for me. There is so much I have to commit to in Christ and so very much I need to submit to God. I'm not ready for the physical representation of the love I want and its liberating to know that.

I said,"Thank You, God" and He brought to mind the image of Him kissing me on my forehead. I can be so stubborn and He knows that. Yet He still loves me..and graces me. I'm super humbled and in the best kind of love possible. So, I ask God please hide me in your heart Precious Savior. Grow me, deliver me, teach me, empower me, strengthen me, to submit to You daily and walk in your love and wisdom.

I'm madly in love for real yall...<3

Why You Mad?

Dumbfounded. Again. I woke up dumbfounded about my behavior at work last night. I sat right in the midst of my emotions and joined in on the gossip, cussing and the whole bit. Disappointment set in this morning. In some ways I still believe I'm supposed to be perfect.

I'm having the most difficult time forgiving myself over these transgressions. I think I'm stuck in a worse state than before. I want to change, be better than I am, go back to the way I was when I didn't cuss, refrained from gossip...

I keep getting invitations to go places and party hard, but I know in my heart I should not go in that atmosphere. Torn because my definition of fun is changing but some old ways still entice. What to do? *sigh*

I am just going to release myself from the foolishness, walk in freedom, and not hypocrisy.

Greater is He

Yesterday I was watching a sermon by Myles Munroe in which he spoke of the importance of having a vision and directly dealt with the scripture of focus yesterday. "Commit your plans to the Lord and they will succeed" for a translation.

During the sermon, he encouraged is to write out a vision for our lives, inclusive of what God has called us to do, the dream He put in our hearts. So, on the computer I busted out a 4 page vision, detailing school, life, business, spiritual development, everything. I also wrote a more detailed 6 month to 2 year plan. Then I said, If its in your will Father, I trust these things to you as I seek you first!

I didn't bother with it anymore last night. Today, I woke up after an elaborate dream in which power filled the words "Greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world." I kept saying it in the dream and I literally saw healing come forth. People were changed. Wow. I woke up with that scripture in my mind heavily.

After I woke up, I got into my word, spent some time with God and I'm completely encouraged that God is working things out around me as I seek His face. Psalms 23-27 were helping me pour out my heart to God and showing Him how much I truly love and trust Him!!

I'm so happy. I am carrying this joy in my heart. Today, God presented an opportunity to me that I had been dodging, but I stepped out on faith and now this blessing is chasing me down! God is so good. Just trust Him. Chase Him. I want to learn His ways so I can please Him! "Seek Ye first the KINGDOM!!! I get it and I'm humbled and amazed, my faith is getting stronger and I'm clinging more to Him with every step.

What Is Different about Me

Laying in bed, spending time with my King, I just see things so differently. We had a serious talk and I admitted some things to Him about how I'm feeling and insecurities I'm working through. He knew, of course. He always knows. I feel so wrapped in His love, I just want to stay here. I finally understand that in His presence there is fullness of joy.

Defining time, defining moments for me are taking place. I'm developing my standard and learning to not compromise it. Everyone wants to have their success, love story etc but its not worth it at the cost of losing God. Hmmm. I truly am curious and expectant of His will for me. So, I color outside of the lines of society, paving my own way in the reality that is Christ and His sacrifice, God and His will. I trust Him. As my candles burn, and my mind is emptied of fear tactics from satan and his minions, I embrace the truth about God and love Him all the more. He's perfect and He sees me as useful, loveable. I have much to be excited about...more reasons to be different for Him.

Whyyy

What is it about love and the like that captures my attention? Maybe my desire for love is misconstrued and sexual venom... I don't understand why I attract what I do. Now, I just don't want to attract anyone. I'm so discontented. I'm aloud to say that right? My heart feels heavy.

It's such a fickle matter and every ounce of my being wants to be loved fully and completely. I don't like the emptiness I feel in my heart. Time to turn off the love songs and just let my mind float, I guess.

I want every man with a "friend", "boo thang","cuddy buddy","girlfriend","fiancee","wife" or anything of the like to disqualify yourself. Just leave me all the way alone bc I don't want someone else's love. I don't want the responsibility of waiting for your heart. I don't want the stress of questioning and wondering.

If you aren't available,don't make yourself so. This also goes for anyone known as "trouble". Don't invite me to readings from the book of Orgasm, 1st chapter, 69th verse. I have nothing left to give in this area. I'm depleted. No giveaways. I'm rebuilding and I need time and space.

AiJusWana.. (Half Crazy)

How do I rush through the dramatic series that has been my "love life" this year? After almost three years of whatever you called that, we decided mutually that it would be best if we were friends which to me meant strangers. He attempted to stay in contact, dropped references of me "not going anywhere" but when I leave, I exit. Not even healed from that incident, I embarked on a tryst of sorts, making myself available to someone unavailable and this furthering the agony in which my heart writhed.

I stopped that madness too, but I miss him. Stupid emotions. I miss the comfort of his friendship. I feel sick to my stomach at the thought of starting a round 2 and I question would my loneliness at that time be the reason for yet another slice of heartbreak pie...

I hate being the victim. As a conscious adult getting swept up in emotions, and subjecting my self respect to great scrutiny, I wonder if I am sick in a way. I mean who signs up for partial love? Who does that? I've done that and that reality has me engrossed in an area of self doubt.

More than sex, more than to be desired and adored, I need to be respected. I need to respect myself in the way I deal with men. So, I joined the Pinky Promise Movement. It's a vow to honor God with your body and yourself. It's a big deal! We have group outtings, a social network, a conference coming up, bracelets, t-shirts, journals... But in my heart I'm afraid its not enough. In the deepest corner, I need more than Christian cliches to fix this. I need divine intervention.

I can't keep sharing parts of myself with men who cannot value or cannot hold to the standard I set for myself. I won't allow it to drive me mad either or drive me away from God. I need Him more now than ever and I'm willing to let go of anything to have Him.

Outside of that, my goals for school are going well. I'm holding strong A's in my classes and managing to complete all assignments. I'm more inspired than ever to work on my business, what God has laid on my heart to do. I haven't figured out everything, but I'm seeing things clearer.

I'm eyeing this house, it is beautiful, not too far away and the perfect size and price for me... God knows how attached i am to it, and I hope He grants me favor to get it!

Hoping for the best...

What to Expect: Each Step, Each New Color

      It is INCREDIBLY refreshing to take the chance to live life in your own color. This has nothing to do with race, or anything of the like. It is my stand, at 22, to live a life worthy of who God created me to be, worthy of what was put inside of me to contribute to this beautiful world. 


I'm still very young, but wisdom comes from God and He made me to live life more abundantly and to be a blessing to others. How can I do that in sad shades of gray? Fear has no room in this heart of mine, and I must take chances, change colors, if necessary create my own page to make my mark for His cause. 

I hope you will join me in these efforts. I'm sure it will be an interesting ride.