How do I rush through the dramatic series that has been my "love life" this year? After almost three years of whatever you called that, we decided mutually that it would be best if we were friends which to me meant strangers. He attempted to stay in contact, dropped references of me "not going anywhere" but when I leave, I exit. Not even healed from that incident, I embarked on a tryst of sorts, making myself available to someone unavailable and this furthering the agony in which my heart writhed.
I stopped that madness too, but I miss him. Stupid emotions. I miss the comfort of his friendship. I feel sick to my stomach at the thought of starting a round 2 and I question would my loneliness at that time be the reason for yet another slice of heartbreak pie...
I hate being the victim. As a conscious adult getting swept up in emotions, and subjecting my self respect to great scrutiny, I wonder if I am sick in a way. I mean who signs up for partial love? Who does that? I've done that and that reality has me engrossed in an area of self doubt.
More than sex, more than to be desired and adored, I need to be respected. I need to respect myself in the way I deal with men. So, I joined the Pinky Promise Movement. It's a vow to honor God with your body and yourself. It's a big deal! We have group outtings, a social network, a conference coming up, bracelets, t-shirts, journals... But in my heart I'm afraid its not enough. In the deepest corner, I need more than Christian cliches to fix this. I need divine intervention.
I can't keep sharing parts of myself with men who cannot value or cannot hold to the standard I set for myself. I won't allow it to drive me mad either or drive me away from God. I need Him more now than ever and I'm willing to let go of anything to have Him.
Outside of that, my goals for school are going well. I'm holding strong A's in my classes and managing to complete all assignments. I'm more inspired than ever to work on my business, what God has laid on my heart to do. I haven't figured out everything, but I'm seeing things clearer.
I'm eyeing this house, it is beautiful, not too far away and the perfect size and price for me... God knows how attached i am to it, and I hope He grants me favor to get it!
Hoping for the best...
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